They were there before you started dating, and they will always be a part of your life and his. It is ok to demand time for just you and your husband-no kids, whether they are his, hers, or yours. Grin and bear shared holidays and birthdays-all the kids deserve to be with their families. Be flexible. Realize that your husband has to balance many roles, and he needs your support and love, not criticism and manipulation.
Never, ever discuss child support, custody issues, or legal issues in front of the kids. This actually applies to your biological children equally as well. Be prepared for tumultuous times-the children may try to test you, push you, find your boundaries. Be firm, pick your battles wisely, and remember that they ARE kids who are trying to find their way through an awkward situation they never asked for. Biology does not make her a better mother than you, but children will only learn that over time, and only if you let them. Children only want to please. If you just care and love and pay attention, they will respond and fill your heart.
Divorce is a life-altering moment for most children, and there will be issues of insecurity and fear that arise. Be there if they want to talk, reassure them that ALL of their parents love them, and help them work through their feelings. Biology is only one way to be a mom.
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Tucking a kid into bed every night, being there for every success and failure along the way, holding their hair out of the way when they throw up-those things count, too whether or not you gave birth. Loved your post about what stepmoms and any parent for that matter need to to in order to create a peaceful and harmonious home. Looking forward to reading more of your posts. Thank you so much for your post…I needed that. Our family has been going through a rough spot. I was so honored and my husband and I sat at the kitchen table and cried. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life…my husband and I will be married 3 years in August.
We have joint custody.
I have 2 older daughters one is married with a daughter and the other is engaged. Up until they initiated a family meeting both children called me by my first name and that was fine with me…whatever made them the most comfortable. However, the exwife does not like me. I did try in the beginning.
In my first marriage there was an exwife as well and I helped raise her son…she and I became family over the years and to this day our families still share holidays when our schedules allow so this experience has been different for me. I really tried in the beginning but have come to the conclusion that this experience and journey will be much different. I am working on getting rid of my resentment because it is only stealing my joy and has caused conflict in my marriage on occassion because I try to understand something that no one can and it is a waste of energy to try.
My husband is helping me with this and he has been awesome. Our 8 yr old daughter has been struggling lately and expressing how hard it is to have 2 families and how she wishes we could all live in one house and see each other all of the time. My heart breaks for her and we make sure there is a constant line of open communication. I too am going to share with others and make sure my husband sees them as well. It was an encouragement to see we are living several of those rules.
The stepmothers' survival guide
I cannot tell what a difference seeing those today made for me!!!! Kira is now 21, and only in the last year started calling me mom. She also wants me to legally adopt her. I am glad to have connected with you and really appreciate knowing as well that there are other stepmoms out there like me!!
Shadra — thank you for these 2 tips. They really are great, and I wish I had read them 13 years ago when I first became a stepmom. I made a LOT of mistakes! To anyone who may be struggling, just know that time and love do heal.
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Trust your heart, admit your mistakes, and keep loving those in your circle to the best of your ability. Thanks so much for your kind comments. I believe becoming a stepmom is one of the most difficult roles women play. A supportive spouse is crucial, as well as a LOT of patience and a big heart. Great post! Do people not understand that, no matter what, the other parent is part of the kids biology and in essence, disparaging the other parent, is disparaging the child? I have had the pleasure to parent a wonderful little boy that I met when he was three he is now 19 years old and expecting his first child.
He respects me for the guidance that I have given him over the years and I love him as much as I love his half-sibs my little guys. My step son is now 25 and the twins one son, one daughter are now It has been the most fulfilling and amazing journey. I feel like Im going crazy. I know you probably wont get this or even read it at all, but I just want to say is what you said is this article is truly amazing!!!!
- A Russian reader Moya zhizn: Vocabulary in English, Explanatory notes in English, Essay in English (illustrated, annotated).
- Six Been There, Done That Tips To Surviving As A Step-Mom.
- The Wise Stepmom?
Thanks for the rules and coaching!!!! Thank you so much! I feel like it can be the best experience in the world…as long as all of the adults involved remember to keep the kids in mind! Thank you soooooooo much! All because I said that I am also her mother and that I do everything for her. Being a stepmom is tough, but you are in the role of a mom to the child.
- Zero Sum.
- Stepparenting: 9 Dos and Don'ts.
- Lebensborn - la fabrique des enfants parfaits: Enquête sur ces Français nés dans des maternités SS (French Edition);
- Stepparenting: 9 Dos and Don'ts.
There are very supportive and wonderful stepmoms out there who are willing to talk to you and hear you without criticizing. Shadra at MomsGetReal dot com. I like how my step mum did all this wrong and basically made me depressed for 3 years of the entire time i was with her. My dad seems happier, my REAL mum is happier and im definatley happier, and ive been getting better grades at school. Whenever i see the text is from her my smile just drops and i just feel rage inside me. She did kick us out of the house, wont let dad see their daughter and kept all our pets after dad and her divorced but whatever.
It breaks my heart to hear your stepmom made things so difficult for you. I can only encourage you to let go of your rage, be happy that she is gone, and focus on your relationship with your real mom and dad.
Stepparents need to realize what kind of an impact they have on the kids whose lives they touch, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. Best of luck to you!! I would really encourage you to move slowly. There are tons of warning signs here that are of concern: 1. You have not even met the kids. How long have you been dating?
How serious is it? That connection will not go away — and neither will the kids.
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